I’m kind of amazed at how anxiety-free i have felt the last 2 days…i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that i have finally sorted out my travel plans for the end of the year. I know i shouldn’t really be surprised at the fact that that was setting me off…but my anxiety and the way it screws with my head and body is a source of constant amazement to me. If you’ve never suffered from anxiety/panic attacks it’s hard to explain how awful they can be. Each person who has anxiety knows a lot of their own ‘triggers’ but sometimes it can be the littlest thing that can trigger an attack..something that you were so unprepared for.
I know that anxiety is nothing compared to what some people suffer from/deal with on a daily basis. But it’s also my problem and it worries me a great deal. How do i explain to someone that i would like to hang out with them, but that i cannot leave the house? How do i convince new/old friends that im not a snob or a bitch, but that i suffer from social anxiety and that causes me to come off in a negative way. How do i deal with the fact that without my medication i am just. not. right. Those closest to me are aware of what i deal with and I am more than fortunate to have a roommate who is my best friend and goes out of her way to watch for my ‘signals’ that tell her all is not right inside.
I remember when i first discussed my medication with my doctor and i asked him if i was ever going to be able to not take it daily. He said that there was always a chance i would learn to deal with my anxiety in other ways but that i should also be prepared to be on this medication for a long time. How am i meant to be able to tell my father (whom i love with all my heart, but we don’t really do medication in our family) that i am going to be taking these pills for the rest of my life? Wee-b once said to me ‘The pills improve the quality of your life, right? Without the pills, life sucks, right? Look at it this way: if you were a diabetic, would you refuse your insulin?’ and he’s right. The pills help me function more normally….and my family can see this too. Well…you know, normal to an extent
And that is the end of my story.